


A Jelly Good Show

by sanguinity



Series: sang's moreholmes [18]
Category: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson (TV 1980)
Genre: A Pun is Its Own Reword, Gen, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Available, Pundamentally Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24218860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanguinity/pseuds/sanguinity
Summary: Satisfying the Inspector's toast is jammed difficult.
Series: sang's moreholmes [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/276327
Comments: 24
Kudos: 24
Collections: Holmestice Exchange - Summer 2020, More Holmes





	A Jelly Good Show

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SCFrankles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCFrankles/gifts).



> Thanks to Grrlpup for laughing at every new bit I showed her (and supplying a few critical puns!), and SmallHobbit for Britpicking.

🍊

"Good morning, Lestrade," Mr Holmes said, opening the door. "You're just in time for a cup of tea."

"Good morning! Don't mind if I do!" Lestrade came in and took a seat at the table. "Good morning, Dr Watson! I always say the second cup of tea in the morning is better than the first cup of tea in the morning, that's what I always say! Oo, is that marmalade?"

"You wouldn't like it," Mr Holmes answered, smoothly moving Marmalade's pot to one side.

"Well, orange you special?" hissed Strawberry Preserves, well below Mr Holmes' hearing. "You always were Mr Holmes' favourite."

"Come now," answered Marmalade. "Dr Watson is a berry tasteful sort of person. There's no shame in buttering his crumpet."

"Try the strawberry," suggested Mr Holmes to Inspector Lestrade, gesturing at Strawberry Preserves.

Strawberry Preserves preened as all eyes turned to him.

Inspector Lestrade wrinkled his nose. "Strawberries make me itch."

Marmalade clucked consolingly. "Sorry, old thing. He juice can't seed your sterling quali-teas."

🍓

The next morning, there was a third bowl on the table, of a size and colour to match those of Marmalade and Strawberry Preserves.

The two friends eyed the stranger dubiously. His anxiety was pulpable.

"You look a bit green," Marmalade said. "Are you peeling well?"

"Lime quite well, thank you. I curd there was a bake-ancy available?"

"I know of no—?" began Strawberry Preserves.

But before he could complete the sentence, Mr Holmes plucked the new bowl off the table, removing him from the conversation. 

Holmes inspected the newcomer closely. "Is this lime curd?" he asked Dr Watson.

"Yes," confirmed his friend, pouring the tea. "If Lestrade is going to continue joining us for breakfast, and he can't eat strawberries and you're not going to share your marmalade, I thought it only civil to have something on the table he _can_ eat."

" _Is_ Lestrade joining us for breakfast?"

There was a knock at the door. Dr Watson looked meaningfully at Mr Holmes. 

Mr Holmes raised his brows in return, but he set Lime Curd down and went to the door.

Their visitor was indeed the inspector.

"Lestrade," Holmes greeted him, with a look at Dr Watson. "You're just in time to join us for a cup of tea."

"Don't mind if I do!" said Inspector Lestrade. "I always the say the second cup of tea in the morning is better than the first cup of tea in the morning, that's what I always say. Oo, is that marm—"

"Try the lime curd," Mr Holmes suggested, offering the bowl to the inspector.

But Inspector Lestrade shook his head woefully. "Never could abide lime curd. Or lemon curd either, I'm afraid."

Lime Curd sighed pithetically as he was returned to the table. "You jammy bastards," he said to Orange Marmalade and Strawberry Preserves. "You have no idea how good you have it."

"Chin up!" said Strawberry Preserves. "It's a bitter peel to swallow, but we can't be everyone's cup of tea. Just remember, every cloud has a silver Twining."

🍊

Lime Curd was only the first. Over the following days, a steady parade of jams and preserves crossed Mr Holmes' and Dr Watson's tea table. Purple Raspberry, English Cherry, and Blackcurrant — each in his turn was rejected by the good Inspector.

"This is brewtal to watch," commented Strawberry Preserves.

"Jamateurs," Marmalade scoffed. "Don't call us, peel call you."

"Marmalade!" scolded his friend. "Do try to keep a Seville tongue in your head."

🍓

And still the auditions continued.

"Just you watch! I can put the hair on anyone's zest!" boasted Damson-and-Cognac Preserves, but he washed out like all the rest.

"Why would I want hair on my zest?" asked Marmalade, plumfounded.

🍊

Things looked more hopeful for Apricot Preserves, but in the end Inspector Lestrade only pronounced him "better than raspberry." 

"Jammed with faint praise," said Marmalade.

🍓

The next morning, a promising double-act, Blackberry-and-Elderberry Preserves, was turned away by the inspector.

"Creaminy!" muttered Strawberry Preserves. "This scone't go on much longer!"

🍊

But the next day at tea, a different kind of interloper lurked on the table, recognisable by his one thousand layers of almond-scented millevolence. 

"Heavens preserve us!" cried Strawberry Preserves. "It's the Napoleon of Cream!"

"You mousse-t stand clear, Mr Marmalade," threatened the pâtisserie, his words oozing with creaminal intent. "Stand clear, or be trodden underfoot!"

But Marmalade was unafraid. "Let you be assured, Mr Mille-arty, that I would be content with my own destruction, if yours was assured as well."

"Not this again!" muttered Strawberry Preserves. Sweetzerland still haunted him; he would not let what oc-curd there happen again. He hurled himself at the mille-feuille.

"Berry him, Preserves!" shouted Marmalade, and he, too, threw himself into the fray. 

Slowly, inevitably, all three toppled over the edge of the table together.

"The marmalade!" gasped Mr Holmes.

"Oh, dear," said Dr Watson, surveying the mess of jam and cream splattered across the floor. "Lestrade will be so disappointed — I bought that Napoleon for him. Holmes! Do please watch where you tread!"

🍊

The next morning, Strawberry Preserves was greatly relieved to see Mr Holmes tenderly place Marmalade in his customary spot at table, if a little farther back from the edge than usual.

"Sticky situation yesterday, Preserves," Marmalade observed. "I'm glad to see you came through it all right."

"Indeed it was! When Mille-arty showed up, I thought I was about to lose my zest friend again!"

"Never fear," said Marmalade. "I'll be with you until the butter end."

🍓

The next morning, there was yet another newcomer on the table. "Howdy! The name's Grape Jelly. Put 'er there, pardner."

"I perceive you are a Jamerican," said Marmalade.

"By way of Jamsterdam! But I was de-ranged and had to mooooooove on, so I've come to jelly old England to see if I can stirrup some trouble here."

"Hrmph. Two grapes short of a fruit salad, if you ask me," muttered Strawberry Preserves.

"Never mind him; you're very welcome here," said Marmalade. "And if you can bring an end to the parade of strangers across our table, it’ll be a spread letter day."

"Thanks a bunch!" said Grape Jelly. "Not to wine, but I'd be grapeful if you could show me this Lestrade feller I'm here to meet."

"Shhh," said Strawberry Preserves. "Here he comes now."

Indeed, Inspector Lestrade was just seating himself at the table. "Good morning, Doctor Watson! I always say the second cup of tea in the morning is better than the first cup of tea in the morning, that's what I always say."

"Quite," Mr Holmes replied, studiously bland. "Try the grape jelly, Inspector."

"Jelly?" Inspector Lestrade asked.

"Jam," Dr Watson clarified. "It's American."

"Don't mind if I do," said Inspector Lestrade, and helped himself to a slice of toast. 

He spread jelly on it. 

He ate.

A beatific smile bloomed on his face. Strawberry Preserves gave a low whistle of jamazement.

"That's really quite good," Inspector Lestrade pronounced, and helped himself to another slice of toast. He topped it with more Grape Jelly.

"Well, I navel!" exclaimed Marmalade.

"Jaminy cricket!" exulted Strawberry Preserves. "Grape Jelly has concord the inspector's heart!"

"Well done, Grape Jelly!" congratulated Marmalade.

"And juiced in time!" said Strawberry Preserves. "I couldn't have taken much more of this."

"Thanks, fellas!" said Grape Jelly. "This scone-na be fun!"

"A toast!" Marmalade cried. "To international jamity!"

"International jamity!" chorused Strawberry Preserves and Grape Jelly.

Strawberry Preserves slung an arm around his new friend. Marmalade joined them on the other side. 

"You know," said Marmalade, "I have the peeling this is the beginning of a fruit-iful friendship."

🍓🍇🍊

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Podfic of "A Jelly Good Show" by sanguinity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25001680) by [rachelindeed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachelindeed/pseuds/rachelindeed)




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